Special Holiday Edition: That Time R2-D2 and Jon Bon Jovi Joined Forces to Create (Something Like) a Christmas Miracle
A re-post from December 22nd
The following article was first published Dec. 22nd as part of the regular Sunday post. Feel free to share it with others.
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Thank you for taking time today to read this! Merry Christmas!
Top 5 Records Music Review: That Time R2-D2 and Jon Bon Jovi Joined Forces to Create (Something Like) a Christmas Miracle
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away Hell’s Kitchen.
The year was 1980. The Ayatollah Khomeini held 53 Americans hostage in Iran. A gallon of gas cost $1.19. Ronald Reagan won the presidency in a landslide. Mt. St. Helens erupted. TV viewers spent the summer wondering who shot JR. And the highest-grossing film in the United States was The Empire Strikes Back.
That film, of course, was a sequel to Star Wars (1977), whose cinematic significance is well-established. It also goes without saying that Star Wars has a very memorable soundtrack. This part of the “Main Title” is what’s playing in my head every time I pull onto the DC Beltway:
But I usually enter the Beltway at the Silver Spring/Wheaton interchange, which is a bottleneck, so I’m never able to make the jump to hyperspace. Delusions of grandeur, I suppose. Anyway, John Williams’ soundtrack was a huge hit in 1977, getting all the way up to #2 in September (it was denied the top spot by Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours) and earning a nomination for Album of the Year at the Grammys (where it was bested, once again, by Rumours.)
The “Main Theme” fared better on the singles chart, but in a more roundabout way. Record producer, musician, and science-fiction aficionado Domenico Monardo had attended Star Wars on opening night and by the next evening had seen the film four more times. Monardo is an interesting guy. A trombone player like his father, Monardo attended the Eastman School of Music in Rochester with Chuck Mangione (“Feels So Good”) and Ron Carter before enrolling in (you’re thinking it’s going to be something like Julliard but it’s not) the United States Military Academy at West Point. Once he had completed his service, Monardo moved to New York and joined a jazz quartet, but upon hearing the song (you’re thinking it’s going to be “A Hard Day’s Night” or “Like a Rolling Stone” or “Be My Baby” but it’s not) “Downtown” by Petula Clark, decided to pursue a career in pop music. He would end up arranging the horns on “Crystal Blue Persuasion” (1969) by Tommy James and the Shondells and playing the trombone solo (yes, a trombone solo) on Diana Ross’s 1980 smash (and LGBTQ anthem) “I’m Coming Out”, a song co-produced by Monardo’s neighbor, Chic’s Nile Rodgers.
Chic was a disco band, and as it turned out, Monardo had a thing for disco. In 1973, he formed the Disco Corporation of America production company with two other associates and co-produced Gloria Gaynor’s 1974 early disco hit “Never Can Say Goodbye”. After seeing Star Wars in 1977, Monardo had an [insert your own adjective here] idea: What if I turned the Star Wars theme into a super fly disco track we could all dance to? Monardo ran the idea by Neil Bogart of Casablanca Records (the home of Kiss, Parliament, and a number of disco acts like Donna Summer) who only greenlit the project after the motion picture soundtrack began ascending the charts.
The result was Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk, a disco and jazz fusion album Monardo released under the name Meco.
The album only got up to #13 but originally outsold the Star Wars soundtrack. The lead single, however—“Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band”, a Frankenstein’s medley of music passing as Wagnerian opera, Dixieland jazz, and guitar rock slathered with 4-on-the-floor disco beats—went to #1 as Williams’ main theme was peaking at #10. (Williams, however, would beat Meco at the Grammy’s for Best Pop Instrumental Performance.) “Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band” held on to the top spot for two weeks that fall before it was dethroned by (I have a bad feeling about this) Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life”.
By the way, the album cover was drawn by Robert Rodriquez, a folk music fan who hated disco. Rodriquez is most famous for creating the wholesome and iconic artwork for the Quaker Oats company in the 1970s. If you’re like me, I know what you’re thinking about that cover: Why did Rocket Man decide to slap a pair of non-whitey tighties on over his spacesuit? Who does this guy think he is, Tony Manero of the 25th Century?
Flash forward to 1980. Monardo, as Meco, had made a name for himself by “Meco-izing” other soundtracks, including Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Wizard of Oz, and Superman. He had also put together an EP of music drawn from The Empire Strikes Back. But Monardo had been working on another idea by the time Empire was released: A Star Wars Christmas album, one that he hoped would be the first in a series of annual holiday-themed Star Wars releases.
One would think Star Wars and Christmas would go together like ribbons and bows; after all, they’re both the story of a kid who grows up in the desert, learns a shocking truth about his real father, and is then expected to save the universe. But Star Wars and Christmas have a very mixed record. On the plus side, roughly 50% of the toys in Santa’s sleigh from the late 1970s through the mid 1980s were Star Wars toys, and I know this from personal experience and loved it. When I was older, I remember going to my aunt and uncle’s house for Christmas and watching the annual Star Wars marathon on the USA Network, which was a treat. Also good Star Wars + Christmas memories: The Force Awakens.
Not as positive: Many would say The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker. But definitely the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, which is so bad it has been denied an official release. (If you’re curious, you can watch it here.) Starring the main cast of Star Wars, the special follows Han Solo and Chewbacca’s attempt to return to Chewie’s family on his home planet of Kashyyyk so the Wookiee and his family can celebrate “Life Day” together. (Do they not celebrate Christmas in space? If Jesus is the only son of God, and God reigns supreme over all of Creation, including outer space, I think Jesus would kind of be a big deal everywhere. Do the Disco Jetsons getting down to Meco’s galactic funk on that album cover worship Jesus? The way they’re shaking their booties, they probably need some Jesus in their lives.) A lot more happens in the special: Stormtroopers show up, we meet Chewbacca’s dad Itchy and his son Lumpy, Art Carney provides comic relief, Harvey Korman does a parody of Julia Child, Bea Arthur sings a song at the Mos Eisley cantina, Jefferson Starship (in what would be Marty Balin’s last appearance with the band until the 1990s) are featured in a video, and there are glowing orbs. It’s bantha poodoo. The special’s one redeeming quality is a cartoon that marks the first official appearance of Boba Fett.
So yeah, Monardo deciding he should take another crack at fusing Star Wars with Christmas less than a year after the disastrous holiday special may strike many as demented, but Meco was still riding high off Galactic Funk; if anyone could do it, it was probably him. Because I can only assume Jefferson Starship was putting the finishing touches on “Jane” and therefore unavailable, Monardo got Yale professor Maury Yeston to write most of the album’s music and lyrics. Now lest you think that’s about as wise as trusting Lando Calrissian to keep you safe upon your arrival in Cloud City, just remember Yeston went on to win the Tony Award for Best Original Score for both Nine (1982) and Titanic (1997), both of which also won the Tony for Best Musical. Yeston, who began working on the album without knowing anything about The Empire Strikes Back and who had a seven-year-old son who was a huge Star Wars fan, decided to keep the mood of the record silly and festive for the kids, so the album doesn’t quite match the whole Han Solo frozen in carbonite/Darth Vader just cut off Luke’s hand/Wait, did Luke’s dad just cut off his hand? vibe of Empire, but whatever, Star Wars is supposed to be fun.
Hence Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album by Meco, which hit record store shelves in November 1980.
The album is about a factory where droids manufacture (presumably officially licensed Kenner-brand Star Wars) toys for Santa Claus, proving in the process that automation has gutted the working class. Nearly the entire album is sung and narrated by C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) which is great if you’re really into everyone’s least favorite Star Wars main character. (Why can’t it be narrated by R2-D2? Can someone explain to me why a civilization that can build the Death Star can’t figure how to connect a device similar to what allows Threepio to speak to Artoo so astromech droids can talk using actual words instead of beeps? Because it would be way cooler listening to the spunky and sassy R2 singing and telling a story than his neurotic English butler sidekick. I’ll bet if R2-D2 sang on that record, it would sound like this.)
According to Wikipedia, the only single from the album, “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)” (sung by Yeston himself) became “a recurring top-40 Christmas hit.” I don’t think that’s true. My guess is you’ve never even heard that song before.
But I find the whole premise of the song offensive. Why are we reducing Wookiees to their hirsute nature? Perhaps Chewbacca would enjoy a gift certificate to Ponderosa or a copy of the hot new REO Speedwagon album or a fondue set. I’m sure Chewie has a very active inner life and enjoys reading, so why not John Kennedy Toole’s A Confederacy of Dunces or (this would be right up his alley) Cosmos by Carl Sagan? I know he enjoys playing Dejarik, so maybe, I don’t know, Simon, or how about an Atari? He’d probably like Pac-Man (but maybe just stay away from Asteroids; could be traumatic.) Or how about a freaking medal for Christ’s sake? That’s what you can get a Wookiee when he already owns a comb.
(Warning: Explicit subtitles)
Also, wouldn’t it be ironic if, for Christmas, Chewbacca wanted to get Han a new hyperdrive motivator for the Millennium Falcon but didn’t have enough money so he sold all his hair to buy one but when he gave Han the gift it turned out Han had sold the Millennium Falcon so he could afford to buy Chewbacca a nice set of ornamental combs for his hair. I know you’re probably hung up right now on the thought of a hairless Wookiee, but come on, get past that to the moral of the story. That right there, folks, is the true meaning of Christmas. I’m tearing up thinking about it; well, that and a hairless Wookiee.
But enough with the digressions, because this is where things start to get epic. Meco recorded Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album in a New York City studio called Power Station, so named because it was housed in a former ConEd power plant in Hell’s Kitchen. The co-owner of the studio was one Tony Bongiovi, who co-founded Disco Corporation of America with Menardo and helped produce Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk. Tony Bongiovi was the real-deal. His inquisitive nature as an up-and-coming record producer got him invited to Motown’s studio in Detroit when he was only 17-years-old. Shortly thereafter, he worked with Frank Zappa and helped Jimi Hendrix record Electric Ladyland. During the 1970s, he collaborated with Holland-Dozier-Holland on “Band of Gold” by Freda Payne and produced the seminal 1977 punk albums Leave Home and Rocket to Russia by the Ramones and Talking Heads: 77 by Talking Heads. Bongiovi’s Power Station became an in-demand studio in the 1980s where albums such as Risqué by Chic, The River and portions of Born In the U.S.A. by Bruce Springsteen, Diana by Diana Ross, Let’s Dance by David Bowie, and Like a Virgin by Madonna were recorded.
Menardo and Bongiovi were at Power Station working on Christmas in the Stars when they ran into a bit of a problem on a number titled “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas”, the song that would become the B-side to “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)”. Like “What Can You Get a Wookiee…”, Daniels wasn’t expected to sing this particular song. Instead, Menardo and Bongiovi wanted it sung from the perspective of a kid. The problem was that the three singers they brought in to sing it all sounded too old.
After a few failed attempts at capturing the magic of a Star Wars Christmas, Menardo and Bongiovi landed upon an idea: Why not see if Bongiovi’s 17-to-18-year-old cousin John could step into the studio to sing the song? John, who possessed a higher-pitched voice than the others who had attempted the track, had played in bands in his native New Jersey throughout his teenaged years and dreamt of making it big in the music industry. Tony let him hang around Power Station, where John ran errands for his cousin and learned the ropes of the recording industry. John was humbly sweeping floors in the studio when Tony asked him to step behind the mic and record the vocals for “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas”. I can only imagine John said he’d Give. It. A. Shot. (Snare!) John’s take worked, and the song made it to record.
Christmas in the Stars was a success, but only about 150,000 copies of the album were sold before the album’s record label RSO had to shut down due to a lawsuit filed by (I may be wrong on this, but I think this is right) the Bee Gees. “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)” by the Star Wars Intergalactic Droid Choir & Chorale was released as a single in 1980 but peaked at #69. Meco wouldn’t get the chance to record his series of Christmas-themed Star Wars albums, although following the release of Return of the Jedi in 1983, he would release the album Ewok Celebration (whose hip-hop-influenced title track climbed to #60 on the Billboard charts. The song features an Ewokese rap by Duke Bootee, who in the previous year had co-written one of the most influential rap songs of all-time, “The Message” by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.)
But “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas” would go down in rock and roll history. That song’s vocalist, John Bongiovi, would spend the next two years sending demos around to record labels. He had no takers until a suburban New York radio station latched on to “Runaway”, a song he had recorded with a group of session musicians that included Roy Bittan of the E Street Band. “Runaway” got John a record deal. Then John got himself a band. Then his record label gave that band a name. John became Jon, and the next time he stepped in front of a mic at Power Station with his cousin Tony Bongiovi behind the boards, he did so as the lead singer of Bon Jovi. Since that fateful day, he’s seen a million faces.
And rocked them all.
That’s right: Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Jon Bon Jovi’s first recording credit (billed as “John Bongiovi”) was for “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas” from 1980’s Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album by Meco. He was paid $183 for it, which seems simultaneously excessive and inadequate.
Is there a lesson to be gleaned from all this? I’m not sure, but if there is, it may be this: Even if you grow up in an imperial backwater (Judea, Tatooine, New Jersey) you can still hit the big time.
Merry Christmas, Have a Nice Day, and May the Force be with You.
Thank you for reading Reason to Believe. I hope you have a merry Christmas. We’ll see you again in the new year.